You quit on me today.
I know I acted like I didn’t care, but the truth is, I care so much that it’s all I can do to keep from breaking down. I don’t think you ever really understood exactly how much you meant to me, but as my final farewell, I’d like to let you know.
When I met you, I knew you’d have a deep impact on my life. That first day, walking and talking, just sharing different things and getting to know the details of each other, I can remember how I felt the next day. I couldn’t wait to share all of the interesting things I had learned about you and wanted to talk to anybody who would listen. You came into my life when I was hurting so bad, and managed to plug a hole before things began to spill over.
You encouraged me to love my craft, to continue writing every chance you got. And every time you spoke to me about it, it never felt like you were nagging me. You wanted to read it, you wanted to know more, you wanted me to find success and to be happy with my writing. You were the first person that I felt was genuinely interested in my writing and what I had to say. I knew back then that I would fall in love with you if you gave me the chance.
And you did. We started seeing each other more often, just spending time getting to know each other and supporting each other through this twisted path we call life. I got to learn about your difficulties and problems and you in turn listened to mine. We grew closer, bonding over Epic Rap Battles of History and my lazy cooking. I was scared of what might happen, and worried I might over think or over step my boundaries, but I continued to see you every time I could.
Every chance you got, you continued to encourage me. You wanted me to find my dreams, to find success, to do something that would make me happy. I will forever be grateful for the warmth you showed me and the love you gave me. We eventually ended up finding more, though we both bumbled on our way to finding it.
You came over one day and you never left. When I think back to New Year’s and the week we spent together, I can’t imagine anything else being more fun. We watched movies, began to strengthen our bonds and test the boundaries of a new found relationship and began to grow as a pair. You held me as I cried, the pressure and stress from moving and changing jobs too much to keep in more. You offered me help when I had no one else there, gave me a warm chest on which I could rest my head and fell asleep holding my hand every night.
I didn’t know what we were that night, and it took me a long time to figure out what our relationship actually was. I was too nervous to ask because I was afraid the answer wouldn’t be the one I wanted, and eventually we had our first disagreement over it. But, I picked you, and I know, you picked me as well. We were drawn together for a reason. I believe everything happens for a reason, people wind up falling in love together because that’s what’s supposed to be.
I thought I’d known what love was before, but when I look back, it turns out I had no idea what I was talking about. Love isn’t about putting yourself first, it’s about making way for the other person, for considering their feelings and opinions and trying to find a compromise to make everything work together. I learned from you how to love another, something I had long been afraid I was incapable of doing.
You listened to me as I poured my heart out to you, detailed the reasons why it was so hard for me to love. The pain I’d dealt with, the self-hatred and loathing I’d come to wear as armor. The anger and aggression I chose to show the world, keeping everything bottled up inside. Every time I was in your presence, I felt myself grow just a little bit stronger, a little more capable of opening up and showing someone my emotions.
It was hard, and honestly, it’s still hard. I try every day to deal with the mixed emotions I have and push them to where they belong. Sometimes the darker ones, the angrier ones, bubble to the surface, but I’ve been working to keep them at bay, to try and keep a smile on my face and love in my heart.
Sometimes it’s hard, because all anyone wants is to love and be loved in return. I don’t think it’s too much to ask somebody to care about them, to think about them and want to be with them.
We lived together for a month, and I thought it was one of the most exciting and thrilling times of my life. I got to cook and try many different foods, we watched several movies and TV shows, able to spend a nice time together and I got to cuddle you to sleep every night, something that still makes my heart beat faster to this day. There’s nothing better than being able to wrap my arms around you and lay my head against your chest, letting your heart beat lull me to sleep. I think maybe that’s what I’ll miss the most, and as I’m writing this, what’s causing me to tear up.
When I moved to a new city, I knew our relationship would take on a new dynamic, but it was a challenge I was willing to tackle. It would be good for us to have some space after spending practically 2 months together glued to each other. I was sad to not have you in my home and in my arms every day, but I knew it was best for my career. And I was determined to make it work, creating a plan and trying to make sure we saw each other with regularity.
And then the world moved, and my feet were ripped out from underneath me. In the month following the earthquake, you were all I needed. You were there as soon as I arrived in the city and didn’t leave my side unless you had to. I got to be selfish for a month, to request things of you and enjoy another happy time snuggling you to sleep every night. You let me do whatever I wanted, following me around the city and eventually out of town to escape the aftershocks and panic that had gripped my heart and mind.
I’m still a bit messed up from that, and I think I’ll always carry around the scars from that time. But you helped to soothe my pain, to find a new normal when all I could think of was the constant shaking and my world spinning whenever I took a step. You even took me back to the city, calming my frazzled nerves as we arrived and making sure I was ok every step of the way.
I don’t know when things started to really take a turn for the worse, but I know things have always been a bit harder for us. Neither of us are what you would consider normal, and maybe we were doomed from the beginning. I was bound and determined to make it work, to show you that with a little work and perseverance, we could handle anything together. I don’t really know when you decided that I wasn’t good enough.
We had a lot of good times, and a lot of bad. But that’s what makes a relationship whole and beautiful. Getting to know each other, finding out how far we can push each other before we get angry, what to say when the other is feeling sad, how to calm the other down when they’re upset. I’ve done some stupid things, but if I had to give you an excuse, it would probably be that I loved you too much to really see how annoying I was being.
When I called to tell you I loved you after I had been drinking, I needed that liquid courage to help me get the words out. I’d be testing them out for months, but didn’t want to scare you off with the weight of my words. But when they came out, I knew it was the right time. You responded right back, echoing my feelings and even having the nerve to say that you already knew, haha. I never was very good at hiding my feelings, I’d always just had a problem expressing them.
I never tell someone I love them lightly. The depth with which I loved you is something I’ve never shown another. I did many things for you, but those were things I loved to do. I know you never asked me to do them, I did them because it made me happy to be able to do those things for you.
I never wanted to cause you to feel such pain and if I could go back in time, I would do anything to keep from picking up the phone, because then maybe you wouldn’t think of me with such hatred and disgust now. I always end up apologizing, but everyone makes mistakes. I know I’m difficult to deal with, but so are you.
But I choose to deal with your difficulties because there’s no one else I’d rather deal with them with. Every time you visit, my heart flutters just at the sight of you. When you let me hold onto your arm in public, even though I know you hate it, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
You weren’t sure if you could care about me, but I still don’t think you know what the word entails. You took such good care of me during the earthquake, doing everything I needed, being prepared, holding onto me when the world continued to shake. That was the kind of care I loved and the small things I needed. But if that’s too hard for you, then maybe this is the for the best.
I gave you a big piece of my heart, and for a while I thought you would treasure it and treat it like something precious. Now I can see that it was just another piece of junk to add to a pile of things that were too much to care about. But I guess, I’m not angry. I’m used to the feeling of being tossed aside, of things becoming to difficult to deal with and people just moving past me instead of trying to work on it. I’m not perfect, certainly far from perfect, and I never expected you to be either. All I wanted was some patience, a little bit of love and some ‘try’ from you to make this relationship work. When both sides give an equal amount, it’s not work anymore, but something you build and do together.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you wanted to build together with, and I wish you luck in everything you do from now on.
As for me, I’ll be sitting here, nursing another broken heart, trying to pick up the pieces that were tossed aside so casually. I loved and gave you everything I had, but I guess it just wasn’t enough.